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Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins. -- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO | Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989 | What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund | You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo" | Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history." Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this century," he said. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990 | It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of. -- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term "target prices." Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds. | Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | I not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | The US has a vital interest in that area of the country. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America. | Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia. Unbelievable. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring. | May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] | Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part. -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989. | getting [cruise missles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision. -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missles | I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time. -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant,1988 | [I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo. -- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate | Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question? -- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988 | Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin. -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him. | I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the -- to the back! -- Vice President Dan Quayle | We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 | We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 | We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 | No, I had no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state - though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was in high school. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | ...Buzz Lukens took that fateful step... -- Vice President Dan Quayle confusing the sexual assaulter/congressman with Astronaut Buzz Aldren. | Dan Quayle was in South America and was presented with an empty box that was to contain a gift from a sailing team. He was told that the gift was not ready yet, and that it would be presented to him when they arrived in the United States. Qauyle said: "Ok, I won't open it until then." | During the White House Easter Egg Roll of 1991, Quayle signed autographs using only his finger. He had prepared pre-signed cards which his aides handed out while he made signing gestures. This allowed him to move briskly and efficiently through the crowd, said his spokesman. | Dan Quale, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors may be getting out of touch with "Real Americans." In order to combat this, he suggested that they read People magazine. | People that are really very wierd can get into sensative positions and have a tremendous impact on history. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was. He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective we've had in a couple of hundred years. -- Vice President Dan Quayle | The loss of life will be irreplaceable. -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake | "It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing, so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip." -- Vice President Dan Quayle remarking to the oil spill clean-up workers Prince William Sound, Alaska, May 1990 | "The President is going to benefit from me reporting directly to him when I arrive." -- Vice President Dan Quayle remarking to the oil spill clean-up workers Price William Sound, Alaska, May 1990 | A Grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one. --Kin Hubbard-- | If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament! --Florynce Kennedy-- | Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Stephen Leacock-- | Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. --Fred Allen-- | Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. --Sinclair Lewis-- | Advertising is legalized lying. --H. G. Wells-- | An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. --Dylan Thomas-- | Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash. --P. G. Wodehouse-- | Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness ever equalled the carnage perpetrated by disciples of altruism? --Ayan Rand-- | In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. --Mark Twain-- | In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact. --Marlene Dietrich-- | America is the greatest of opportunities and the worst of influences. --George Santayana-- | The discovery of America was the occasion of the greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed known in history. --Joseph Conrad-- | The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possi- bility that there may be something to them which we are missing. --Gamal Abdel Nasser-- | Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. --Voltaire-- | There is no underestimating the intelligence of the American public. --H. L. Mencken-- | Democracy is the are of running the circus from the monkey cage. --H. L. Mencken-- | Perhaps the most revolting character that the United States ever produced was the Christian business man. --H. L. Mencken-- | The trouble with New York is that it has no nationality at all. It is simply a sort of free port -- a place where the raw materials of civilization are received, sorted out, and sent further on. --H. L. Mencken-- | Texas is the place where there are the most cows and the least milk and the most rivers and the least water in them, and where you can look the farthest and see the least. --H. L. Mencken-- | Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended. --George Bernard Shaw-- | It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't under- stand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand. --Mark Twain-- | So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. --Bertrand Russell-- | Scriptures....The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. --Ambrose Bierce-- | The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the person who reads it. --Robert G. Ingersoll-- | No one recovers from the disease of being born; a deadly wound if there ever was one. --E. M. Cioran-- | The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. --Herb Caen-- | He's a born-again Christian. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage during rebirth. --Anonymous-- | The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Boyys are capital fellows in their own way, among their mages; but they are unwholesome companions for grown people. --Charles Lamb-- | It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars and hypocrites. --Henry Miller-- | Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. --Honore' De Balzac-- | Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions. --Aldous Huxley-- | Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws. --Karl Kraus-- | One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscrimiate charity. --Andrew Carnegie-- | Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency. --Raymond Chandler-- | There are three terrible ages of childhood -- 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30. --Cleveland Amory-- | The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. --Mell Lazarus-- | The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires. --Dorothy Parker-- | A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. --Ralph Waldo Emerson-- | We are given children to test us and make us more spiritual. --George F. Will-- | Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? --Jules Feiffer-- | If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be -- A Christian. --Mark Twain-- | The last Christian died on the cross. --Anonymous-- | Organized Christianity has probably done more to retard the ideals that were its founder's than any other agency in the world. --Richard LeGallienne-- | Of learned men, the clergy show the lowest development of professional ethics. Any pastor is free to steal customers from the divines of rival sects, and to denounce the divines themselves as theological quacks. --H. L. Mencken-- | A clergyman is one who feels himself called upon to live without working at the expense of the rascals who work to live. --Voltaire-- | Communism is like one big phone company. --Lenny Bruce-- | It could probably be shown be facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class -- except Congress. --Mark Twain-- | Conservative......A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. --Oscar Wilde-- | Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. --Nietzsche-- | Corporation......An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how its done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. --Brendan Behan-- | Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible race. Asking a working writer wht he thinks about critics is likd asking a fire plug what it feels about dogs. --John Osborne-- | The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Democracy encourages the majority to decide things about which the majority is blissfully ignorant. --John Simon-- | The substitution of election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few properly describes the institution of Democracy. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Democracy becomes a government of bullies, barely tempered by editors. --Laurence J. Peters-- | One of the most common of all diseases is diagnosis. --Karl Kraus-- | Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. --Anton Chekhov-- | Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education. --Bertrand Russell-- | We are shut up in schools and college recitation rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bellyful of words and do not know a thing. --Ralph Waldo Emerson-- | Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --Laurence J. Peter-- | Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on earth can ever turn it into a fact. --Honore' de Balzac-- | We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. -- Oscar Wilde-- | No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. --Groucho Marx-- | Faith.....Belief without evidence inwhat is told by one sho speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. --H. L. Mencken-- | A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. --Nietzsche-- | The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. --H. L. Mencken-- | When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones. --Peter DeVries-- | Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much. --Oscar Wilde-- | France is th only couontry where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper. --Billy Wilder-- | What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country. --Samual Johnson-- | France? I would have loved it -- without the French. --D. H. Lawrence-- | When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. --Eric Hoffer-- | Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of leisure activity. --Mortimer Adler-- | If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face -- forever. --George Orwell-- | "Gay" used to be one of the most agreeable words in the language. Its appropriation by a notably morose group is an act of piracy. --Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.-- | When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him. --Jonathon Swift-- | Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. --John Ciardi-- | The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. --Stendhal-- | God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out. --Arthur Koestler-- | It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself to the idea that after all God will not help him. --H. L. Mencken-- | He (God) seems to have an inordinate fondness for beetles. --J. B. S. Haldane-- | The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. --John Barrymore-- | On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time. --George Orwell-- | It is almost impossible systematically to constitue a natural moral law. Nature has no principles. She furnishes us with no reason to believe that human life is to be respected. Nature, in her indifference, makes no disctinction between good and evil. --Anatole France-- | Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --Mark Twain-- | A government is the only know vessel that leaks from the top. --James Reston-- | Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed. --I. F. Stone-- | In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire-- Also a good definition of the Democratic Party. | Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us. --Leo Tolstoy-- | Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors. --Anonymous-- | History is a set of lies agreed upon. --Napoleon Bonaparte-- | History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history. --Clarence Darrow-- | We learn from history that we do not learn from history. --G. F. Wilhelm Hegel-- | On the whole history tends to be rather poor fiction -- except at its best. --Gore Vidal-- | An historian is nothing more than an unsuccessful novelist. --H. L. Mencken-- | History would be a wonderful thing -- if only it were true. --H. L. Mencken-- | Holidays are an expensive trial of strength. The only satisfaction comes from survival. --Jonathan Miller-- | The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. --Voltaire-- | Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man. --Nietzsche-- | There are times when you hav to choose between being human and having good taste. --Bertoldt Brecht-- | It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man. --Albert Einstein-- | No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. --A. A. Milne-- | If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. --Fred Allen-- | The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race. --Don Marquis-- | Humility is no substitue for a good personality. --Fran Lebowitz-- | When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. --George Bernard Shaw-- | A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to go out and kill something. --Stephen Leacock-- | The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. --P. G. Wodehouse-- | A husband is wha't left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted. --Helen Rowland-- | An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. --Michael Korda-- | Impiety....Your irreverence toward my deity. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Insanity.....A perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world. --R. D. Laing-- | Ireland has the honor of being the only country which never persecuted the Jews -- because whe never let any in. --James Joyce-- | I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could. --George Bernard Shaw-- | The Irish are a fair people -- they never speak well of one another. --Samual Johnson-- | The Jews are a frightened people. Twenty centuries of Christian love have broken down their nerves. --Israel Zangwill-- | There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. --Oscar Wilde-- | Justice.....A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are a God. --Jean Rostand- | Every law is and infraction of liberty. --Jeremy Bentham-- | Lawyer.....One skilled in the circumvention of the law. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Lawyer.....One who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation. --H. L Mencken-- | Lawyers are the only person in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. --Jeremy Bentham-- | Your first year in law school scares you to death. Your second year in law school works you to death. Your third year in law school bores you to death. When you finally get out, you get to pay off your loans to death. --Some law professor-- | If law school is so hard to get through....how come there are so many lawyers? --Calvin Trillin-- | Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. --Charles Lamb-- | Lawyers are ... operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must cross. --Jane Bryant Quinn-- | Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. --Jules Renard-- | It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. --Jerome K. Jerome-- | The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. --Lenny Bruce-- | Liberal......A power worshipper without power. --George Orwell-- | A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. --Willis Player-- | A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. --Robert Frost-- | Liberty means responsibility; that is why most men dread it. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches. --Will Rogers-- | Life does not cease to be funny when people die and more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luch, a good physique and not too much imagination. --Christopher Isherwood-- | Love is the most subtle form of self-interest. --Holbrook Jackson-- | Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. --Stephen Leacock-- | It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well. --Charles Bukowski-- | What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice. --Charles Baudelaire-- | When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in htat excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love! --Woody Allen-- | When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. --Voltaire-- | Virtue has Never been as respectable as money. --Mark Twain-- | Go into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and another a dollar, and see which will respect you most. --Samuel Johnson-- | If you must choose between living with your mother-in-law and blowing your brains out, don't hesitate -- blow out hers! --Victorien Sardou-- | Obscenity is what happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. --Bertrand Russell-- | Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection. --Anonymous-- | The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it. --J. Robert Oppenheimer-- | A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. --William Burroughs-- | The only people who seem to have nothing to do with the education of the children are the parent. --G. K. Chesterton-- | Patience........A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. --Ambrose Bierce-- | Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. --Bertrand Russell-- | When you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign he expects to get paid for it. --H. L. Mencken-- | Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. --Oscar Wilde-- | When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. --H. Allen Smith-- | Pessimist....One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. --Oscar Wilde-- | A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others. --Oscar Wilde-- | The photographer is like the cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Politeness.........The most acceptable hypocrisy. --Ambrose Bierce-- | A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. --H. L. Mencken-- | One has to be a lowbrow, a bit of a murderer, to be a politician, ready and willing to see people sacrificed, slaughtered, for the sake of an idea, whether a good one or a bad one. --Henry Miller-- | Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The Presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize. --Saul Bellow-- | Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. --David Broder-- | Politics....Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. --Ambrose Bierce-- | The standard of intellect in politics is lo low, men of moderate mental capacity have to stoop to reach it. --Hillaire Belloc-- | All politics are based on the indifference of the majority. --James Reston-- | Pray......To ask the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner who confesses his unworthiness. --Ambrose Bierce-- | I don't like principles. I prefer prejudices. They are more honest. --Oscar Wilde-- | A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. --William James-- | Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex. --S. N. Behrman-- | Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother. --Germaine Greer-- | One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecesssary tyranny. --Bertrand Russell-- | Ther is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanical religion, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior capacity for happiness. --H. L. Mencken-- | The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. --Lily Tomlin-- | Ronald Reagan.....A Triumph of the embalmer's art. --Gore Vidal-- | All reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for. --Logan Pearsall Smith-- | Relations are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. --Oscar Wilde-- | All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the the cleverness of the few. --Stendahl-- | Most religions do not make men better, only warier. --Elias Canetti-- | The idea of a good society is something you do not need a religion and eternal puhishment to buttress; you need a religion if you are terrified of death. --Gore Vidal-- | Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness. --Fran Lebowitz-- | Religion is the fashinonable substitue for belief. --Oscar Wilde-- | We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in hte sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. --H. L. Mencken-- | Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training, for it trains people as to how they shall think. --Arthur Schopenhauer-- | Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that that survived. --Oscar Wilde-- | We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. --Jonathan Swift-- | Ther was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is not respect for age. I missed it coming and going. --J. B. Priestley-- | The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy. --Franz Kafka-- | Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful Know he is. --Jean Anouilh-- | Any preoccupation with ideas of what is right and wrong in conduct shows and arrested intellectual development. --Oscar Wilde-- | If Geraldo Rivera is the first journalist in space, NASA can test the effect of weightlessness on weightlessness. --Anonymous but I wish I said it-- | Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. --Frank Zappa-- | Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake, and never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of our masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles. --Beverly Jones-- | The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself. --John Kenneth Galbraith-- | School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence. They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new and unpleasant ordinances, with brutal violations of common sense and common decency. --H. L. Mencken-- | Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing. --George Bernard Shaw-- | Sex.......The Pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and expense damnable. --Lord Chesterfield-- | Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. --Woody Allen-- | I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --Wilson Mizner-- | Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many --even more-- things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or nayone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs. --Fran Lebowitz-- | Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match. --Karl Kraus-- | If you attack stupidity you attack an entrenched interest with friends in government and every walk of public life, and you will make small progress against it. --Samual Marchbanks-- | Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. --Oscar Wilde-- | It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. --Gore Vidal-- | A Sunday School is a prison in which children so penance for the evil conscience of their parents. -- H. L. Mencken -- | Like its politicians and its war, society has the teenagers it deserves. --J. B. Priestley-- | I have only a small flickering light to guide me in the darkness of a thick forest. Up comes a theologian and blows it out. --Dennis Diderot-- | Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. --George Bernard Shaw-- | People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false; a gift confers no rights. --Nietzsche-- | As long as war is looked upon as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. --Oscar Wilde-- | Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions. --Robert Ardrey-- | As far as unwed mothers on welfare are concerned, it seems to me they must be capable of some other form of labor. --Al Capp-- | I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. --Alexandre Dumas-- | Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others. --Oscar Wilde-- | Women are like elephants to me -- I like to look at 'em, but I would'nt want to own one. --W. C. Fields-- | The history of woman is the history of the worst form of tyranny the world has every known; the tyranny of the weak over the strong. It is the only tyranny that lasts. --Oscar Wilde-- | In the fight between you and the world, back the world. --Frank Zappa-- | If the world were a logical place, Men would ride side-saddle. --Rita Mae Brown-- | The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. --Quentin Crisp-- | What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen? --Evelyn Waugh-- | Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spirit. --Kin Hubbard-- | Never have so many, done so little, for such a long time. --Sen. Bob Dole (refering to the U.S. Congress) | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] Mabye in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I Helped Skin Bob." | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I'd rather be rich than stupid. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending like he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I guess it goes back to the time we went to the circus and a clown killed my Dad. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] As I bit into the sweet, tangy nectarine, and tasted the juices running down my chin, I looked down, and realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD! | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] You know, some white coral, painted brown, and attached to the skull with some common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] Better not take a dog on the next space shuttle flight, because if he sticks his head outside the window, his face might burn up. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] In our yodeling class, we discourage new students from yodeling right off. You see, we *build* to that. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I think a good story would be about a clown who makes people laugh, but inside he is really sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] If you ever fall off the Sears tower, go real limp, because you'll look like a dummy, and the people below will catch you, because hey, free dummy. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] Anytime something screeches across the room, and latches onto someone's neck, and the guy screams, and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what *is* that thing? | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughted, and the cowboy shot them. At the hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun." | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." | [Deep Thougts, Inspired by Jack Handey of SNL] Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion, or even an elephant. It's a shark, riding on an elephant's back, trampling and eating everything it sees. | "And this chick was fat, too! If she gains another pound, she'll have to have her car let out!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "And we were poor too! Why, if I wasn't a boy I'd have nothing to play with!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "Good crowd. Good crowd. I'm tellin' ya I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now but last week I was in rough shape. I looked up my family tree and found I was the sap!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "I can't get no respect! A hooker once told me she had a headache!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "I can't get no respect! I took my girl to the top of the Empire State Building and planes started attacking me!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "I could tell my parents hated me! My bath toys were a toaster, and a radio." - Rodney Dangerfield | "I don't want to say she's ugly, but the last time I saw a mouth like her's it had a hook in it!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "I knew a girl that was so ugly she looked like she came in second in a hachet fight!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "It's been a rough day! I got up this morning, put on my shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "My father is stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "My girlfriend called me and said, 'Come on over, there's no one here.' I went over, and there was no one there!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I said, 'I want a second opinion.' He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too!'" - Rodney Dangerfield | "My wife isn't very bright. The other day someone stole our car. I said, 'Did you see the guy that did it?' She said, 'No, but I got the tag number!'" - Rodney Dangerfield | "What a dog I've got. His favorite bone is in my arm!" - Rodney Dangerfield | "I asked my mother what would make her happy. She said, 'Your face on a milk carton!'" - Rodney Dangerfield | "Human beings are infinently adaptable. If they can do it in the back of a '57 Chevy, they can do it anywhere." - Dr. Patricia Santy Former NASA flight surgeon on the possibility of sex in space. | "You can withdraw from the race." - LA Gov Edwin Edwards, asked by Marilyn Quayle if there was "anything we can do to help you all" in the wake of Hurricane Andrew. | "Women, you can't live with 'em, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash." --Emo Phillips-- |